So, I've Been Playing Bloodborne

15 September 2025

My history with video games generally goes back decently far (the older I get the more this will be the case), but not as far as most people my age / generation. My dad was a youthful hippie type who didn't want me to watch TV at all (not sure if he wanted this to be a lifelong thing for me or was just waiting until a certain age), a plan that lasted until I went off to daycare and was promptly plopped in front of some Disney movie (probably Cinderella, I have a handful of memories of that). We didn't have a video game system in the household for a number of years after that, though.

I acquired a Nintendo 64 around age 10/11, which I was allowed to play until my dad realised the only games I had were 'too violent' - the solution wasn't tracking down any of the myriad less violent games for the N64, it was to get rid of the system. I had a friend who was willing to house it for me until I came of age, whatever age that was. I think he eventually just gave the system away, no memory of where my N64 actually ended up. Anyways, this friend (Chase) had an N64 of his own. His family did not share my dad's attitude to TV.

For the years between 10 - 15 (roughly) if I wanted to play a video game, it would be at a friend's house. Smash and Conker's Bad Fur Day on the N64, Kingdom Hearts and Re:Chain of Memories once Chase's family got a PS2, Lollipop Chainsaw and Batman: Arkham Asylum and Fallout: New Vegas at our rich(er) friend Avery's house. All of the time I spent with a controller in my hand was on someone else's couch, passing it off in between deaths, or breaks for soda, or conversation.

And then, me and my brother found a Gamecube at a yard sale. It was our money, my dad couldn't really object. So the Gamecube came home with us. Once it was in the house my dad found that there was actually a social aspect to be had with video games. We played Zelda games together, mostly Wind Waker, but Four Swords and a bit of Twilight Princess (my favourite, even now).

Part of me feels a bit of it was sexism - he was calmer about video games and Star Wars and the Simpsons and plenty of things with my younger brother, but on the other hand, he was also calmer about a lot of things, so it's entirely possible it's just the difference of having a first child versus having a second child.

It took me a long time to get comfortable with video games, with a controller in my hands. It wasn't until I was in my late-teens that I felt able to move and look (using both joysticks) at the same time with any amount of control. First person shooters were a write-off from the get-go. My brother, raised with games both on the console and later, on the computer, grew up in CSGO lobbies and Minecraft servers, particular hives of scum and villainy I've never stepped foot in (mostly joking).

I started playing Bloodborne because all the cool girls I followed online on tumblr liked it. That's it, the whole reason. And I had mostly assumed that I would try it, dip a toe in, and go "yep, not for me. Too hard." From Soft games have their reputation for a reason, and while I didn't begrudge them that, I figured that Bloodborne would bounce me off it. And it did! I played for maybe an hour, got my ass soundly kicked, and put it down. I want to play a game that's fun, I'd think, and go back to a visual novel or a JRPG.

It's not that I'm totally skill-less, but I feel like I know my limits. And I assumed that Bloodborne was beyond them. It wouldn't be possible, and worse, it wouldn't be fun. So I dropped it. And then Elden Ring came out, so I bought that, and tried it, and bounced right off again. Too hard, not fun, same loop.

Interlude: let me say that one of my favourite games in my early twenties was Hotline Miami, a fact which shocked my at-the-time boyfriend (who I would later dump for similar moments to this) because he thought "I wasn't any good at hard video games". What I loved about Hotline Miami was its willingness to let you fail, and learn from those failures. Most Final Fantasy games may not be as moment-to-moment hard as something like Hotline Miami (in terms of like, aiming or reflexes), but they are a thousand times more punishing when you lose.

Hotline Miami, or Bloodborne, have a lot more in common with a rhythm game - the first time though you're probably going to miss a lot of things, and fail, and fail badly. But as you try again, again, again, you'll memorise the way the level (or chart) is constructed. Everything is always in the same place. No random encounters. You can play a game of Bloodborne as perfectly as you can play a song in osu!, or as badly. But it's the same chart every time.

As a dedicated rhythm game player, treating Bloodborne this way has unlocked something in my brain, and after many hours of trial and error, I'm finally getting good. While I'm sure that for any actually seasoned player watching me stumble my way through every encounter would be nail-pullingly annoying, I'm having so much fun. I want to keep playing, even when I'm losing and dying horribly.

There's been a lot of talk about game difficulty and accessibility, and while I can't speak to this from an accessibility point of view in terms of people with less / more limited dexterity or similar, as someone who is ablebodied but unpracticed, I've been enjoying the loop and skill-building that a game like Bloodborne provides. (My accessibility note: let me change the font sizes. I can't read any of this shit).

Since cracking the code on this I want to return to Elden Ring and try it again, with this mindset. Grinding not for levels, but for skills, techniques, practicing in the same way you do for a real-world sport. Getting used to how long certain animations take, memorising the chart, more or less. I also want to challenge myself to try other games I'd written off as not being for 'someone like me'. This last week or so of playing Bloodborne has made me feel like a kid, the controller just barely part of my body. It's been wonderful.